An unexpected gift

Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The last two days, Brendan has walked around the house with his head wrapped like a mummy to cover his stitches. The school nurse felt it would be better for him to remain at home with the amount of jostling and bumping that happens at school. So Brendan has enjoyed two extra days at home. This morning we listened to Christmas music while we made gingerbread cookies for his teacher. Both of us enjoyed that special time together. But he will be back at school tomorrow, for the last day of the term and the Christmas party. I need one more morning to myself before the kids have their 3 1/2 week holiday!

Reverend Khongwir, his wife Apple, and their children Charisma and Yobel, joined us for one last meal together before they return to India tomorrow. They are a very sweet family and we have enjoyed the year we’ve had together. Charisma and Yobel carpooled with us so we saw them nearly every day. Apple looked after Jason when I had to take Brendan to activities, which I really appreciated. Jason and Yobel played very well together and their home became a second home for him. It is hard to say goodbye to more friends but we wish them well as they discern what God has for them next.

Thursday, December 11, 2008
I’m not exactly sure what precipitated it, but my loneliness level peaked last night. Perhaps it was saying farewell to friends this week, a few conversations that dead-ended, or Christmas approaching and having no plans. I felt overwhelmed with feeling a lack of connection to others, especially Zambians. I am finding it difficult to move past the friendly smiles and greetings to something more substantial. I know I was hopeful several weeks ago about friendships going deeper but somewhere along the way, that hope dissipated. Other friends that we connected with in the past are either out of town or busy with their ministry and work. We enjoy our MCC co-workers but they all live 4+ hours away. We were very blessed this past year to have Carmen and Adrian as wonderful friends to process things with and to play games with a couple times a week. I am really feeling their absence. I guess I have to get used to this new season where we have LOTS of “quality family time.” I can enjoy it if I don’t have expectations that it “should” be another way, or the way it was before. Good thing I enjoy Peter’s company because we spend every evening together, reading, playing games, watching movies, or working on our own projects. I’m a bit too social to leave it at that though, and enjoy having people over and being with friends. It is just harder to make that happen these days.

Saturday, December 13, 20008

Jason was in bed with us at 6 this morning. I think it would be great if he learned to sleep in, like to 6:30 or something like that. But he was in my face, ready to talk. “Mommy, why not we can’t see God’s face but Jesus shows us God’s face? And why couldn’t Moses see God’s face, only his back?” These were questions directly related to the sermon I gave last Sunday. Six days later, he was still pondering it and I was flattered that he had been listening to my sermon. I said, “So you were listening to my sermon!” “Yeah,” he replied, “but most of it was really boring.” You don’t say. He got the boot out of my bed after that!

In the evening, we had a different Indian family over for dinner. After my feelings of disconnection the other evening, we decided to keep working at making friendships. Deepak and Kieran live on the MEF campus. Deepak works at the UCZ Theological College as an HIV/AIDS coordinator and Kieran volunteers in Peter’s building as an IT lecturer. They have two small children, Anika and Deuel. We’ve interacted with them some over the last year or so but were pleasantly surprised to see how easy it was to converse with them. It was a change to have small children in the house and to talk around the noise and needs but they are very sweet children and it was fun to have them around. Brendan and Jason got a chance to be the big kids and worked hard at playing with these younger kids who looked up to them. Deepak and Kieran were very relaxed and made themselves at home which made us all feel comfortable. All in all, a lovely evening. Plus, Kieran had brought a spicy chickpea dish and something like chapatis which were delicious!

Sunday, December 14, 2008
It seemed to be the day of creature trauma. Brendan witnessed a dog being shot by security guards near the football pitch. The guards feel they need to shoot any unidentified dog on campus for fear of rabies. No such thing as calling animal control to pick up stray dogs. The combination of the loud sound (the first time he ever heard a gunshot) as well as compassion for the dog, brought him to tears. At least the other kids didn’t tease him which is par for the course around here.

Then awhile later, we heard screaming in our yard. This is a normal occurrence, unfortunately, with the neighborhood kids congregating in our yard, whether or not Brendan and Jason are wishing to play. So I thought nothing of it until one of the kids came to the door calling for me. I ran outside and found Gideon and Chola stuck in our big mango tree. They were hanging down on one of the branches but were too high to jump. They were terrified of a huge chameleon (the one Eric put in that tree, most likely) and were trying to get away from it. They couldn’t go back up the branch because the chameleon was blocking the way, and they couldn’t jump so they were stuck. They were screaming and crying and hanging on for dear life. I fetched Peter who was able to grab their legs and he helped them down to the ground. I felt a little bad that I wasn’t able to distinguish their screams of terror from screams of play. But maybe they should save their screaming for when it is really important!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I paid a visit today to my Zambian friend, Julien, who was in my trauma class a few weeks ago. She had told me that her little three year old son loves Spiderman. I had been sorting through clothes that Jason had grown out of and knew that her son would love one of the T-shirts that had Spiderman on the front. I also set aside a few other items that I thought he might like. You should have seen the look on Taonga’s face when I gave it to him. His little eyebrows went up and down and I knew that he was thrilled even though he didn’t crack a smile. He is a terribly sweet little boy, absolutely a delight. I had an enlightening conversation with Julien, while Taonga was out showing his T-shirt to anyone who was interested. A therapist friend of mine in Canada commented in an email that the African women she sees who have suffered trauma of various kinds, seem much more resilient than their North American counterparts and she was wondering why that might be. So I asked Julien, the model of resilience in the face of hardship having lost the use of her legs to polio, and in an abusive marriage. This is her explanation: African women are told from the time they are young that life is hard and full of suffering. When they are counseled for marriage, they are told that marriage is very difficult and hard. Husbands will cheat on you and beat you and ignore or beat the children. Therefore when bad things happen, they were expecting it and know that is just how life is. I told Julien that in the West, I think we have this fairy tale mentality that says life should be good and when it doesn't happen that way for any number of reasons, it is even more traumatic because of our expectations. Julien thought that was a bit strange because the reality here is so different. We may be shielded from some difficult things in the West but not as much as we would like to think. But then Julien added, that while African women appear strong and resilient, it is fake in most cases. It does come out in other destructive ways and forms. It is just hidden from view. And what option do they have but to carry their burden and continue on. They don’t have the luxury of leaving bad marriages because of poverty. They can’t fall apart because they have to care for the children and eke out a living. I asked her about the support women receive from each other and she laughed. African women don't support each other, she said, they just tell you "I told you so" when the bad things happen. They try to take down other women who succeed because it somehow means that they won't. There is rivalry and backtalk. There goes my ideal vision of communal Africa! Granted, this is just one person’s perspective, but I have a feeling that it is quite a common experience.

Friday, December 19, 2008
We’ve been taking advantage of the holidays to have the kids play with school friends a bit. Jason had Alistair over one morning while Brendan had a special art class at school. Patric and Jemma came over for a sleepover. Both boys have gone to school for additional soccer lessons with Coach Mumba. This afternoon, Brendan spent the afternoon at Nikhil’s house and had fun playing with Han-guyl and Garikai who joined them. Brendan and Jason enjoy playing with the kids around MEF but it gets to be too much at times so we were thankful for these nice diversions.

Saturday, December 20, 2008
I haven’t attended many fundraising dinners in my life. I’m not usually invited, perhaps because my image doesn’t scream “money.” Here though, my white skin gives the appearance of wealth. Peter and I attended Mindolo’s fundraising luncheon this afternoon and it was an interesting experience. I took the boys to Patric and Jemma’s house to play and by the time I came back, I was late but not late enough, of course. The luncheon was supposed to start at 12:00. We went close to 1:00 but felt we needed to go somewhat early because there were a few people from our church who bought tickets and we wanted to greet them. We sat at a table with Deacon Zombe, and Mrs. Habasila (the pastor’s wife). We visited with them for nearly two hours, which was probably the best part of the event. It was an unexpected opportunity to connect with them outside of church and that was really good. Lunch was finally served around 3:00 so I was glad that I had grabbed a light snack before I left the house. And then the official fundraising began. We were asked to all go up one by one and tell the MC how much we were giving or pledging. But that plan was highjacked by someone else who came to the front and declared that someone from every table had to get up and throw money on a pile in the middle of the floor. People started doing that and everyone followed suit. Then someone else came up and dictated that all men who were not wearing ties had to contribute a certain amount to the pot. “Required giving” was also mandated for women who were not wearing earrings. And it went on and on, each coming up with another gimmick to nickel and dime us to death. When the married couples had to stand and were told to contribute more, Peter and I finally had enough. We slipped out the side door. This being my one and only fundraising experience, I’ve got nothing to compare it to. Based on this experience, I don’t think I will go begging for an invitation to another one.

Friday, December 26, 2008
We are part of a missionary fellowship that tries to meet for a potluck and worship once a month or so. Tuesday afternoon we gathered for a Christmas party that brought back North American feelings of Christmas. The kids all made gingerbread houses while the adults attempted to help but mostly snitched the candies meant for decoration. One family has a ministry using puppets and they shared their program with us. Goodness me, it was terribly cheesy, but in the middle of it, Jason looks over at me and says, “Mom, isn’t this FUN!” A good reminder that different people enjoy different things and God can use all of it. We sang a few Christmas carols and then ate dinner. I brought peppernuts (pfefferneusse) as a contribution from our tradition. The kids watched “Home Alone” after dinner while the adults visited. It was a nice day.

Then on Wednesday morning, Christmas Eve day, Anita Fernando invited us to their house for lunch. There was a large gathering, with many of the same people that were at the missionary fellowship party, but others too. We dined on delicious Sri Lankan food and enjoyed Anita’s warm hospitality. I was grateful that we had these two gatherings to take part in. Otherwise these Christmas days would have been very lonely. Because we were planning on leaving the day after Christmas, I didn’t feel I wanted to host others on Christmas day. I was hoping that perhaps we could arrange to go elsewhere but that didn’t pan out, despite a few attempts. In talking with some of the other missionaries, we shared we were didn’t have any plans and when asking others, received vague responses as to their plans. Later I discovered that several of those families were all going to spend Christmas day together. I felt excluded and slipped into a little pity party that we would be all alone at Christmas.

We had to leave the gathering early because the Sunday School children were supposed to practice for their part in the Christmas Day worship service. I had been working with the children for the last two Sundays and felt they were ready for what I was going to do with them. The pastor’s wife and I planned it together and agreed that I would teach a Christmas carol and she would teach a Christmas song in the vernacular language. Then I had a story some of the kids were going to read, another short chorus and ornaments that they made in Sunday School they would then put on the Christmas tree. Patricia had other ideas she was going to implement as well. So she arranged further rehearsals for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week, so that she could teach the kids her part. We attended Monday, but not Tuesday since we were at missionary fellowship. I felt like I should be there Wednesday, even though the kids knew what I was doing with them. I had assumed that Patricia would be there and run the rehearsals but she wasn’t there when I arrived a timely half hour late. An hour later, she called to say she was in town and that I should run through the rehearsal. The kids had never learned a carol in their own language and the only thing other than what I had done with them was an introduction she had arranged. I organized the kids and ran through everything two times and finally dismissed them. By this time, I was in a sour mood, feeling abandoned both by Patricia regarding Sunday School, and by my friends in missionary fellowship.

Knowing that Christmas morning would be spent at church, we decided that we would have our family celebration on Christmas Eve. I set about making calzones for our Christmas Eve dinner but I was in a major funk. With our celebration just an hour away, I was in dire need of an attitude readjustment. I left the pizzas baking in the oven and took a few minutes to myself to think and pray and forgive and focus. I had to accept that this year, Christmas would be with just Peter and the boys and that didn’t have to be bad.

Over dinner, we talked with Brendan and Jason and instructed them on how we wanted to take our time opening the gifts, thinking about the person who gave it to us, being thankful and appreciative, taking joy in giving not just receiving, and savoring the time together. We then read the Christmas story and gave our gifts to each other. And it was unexpectedly simple and wonderful. The boys delighted in giving gifts to Peter and I as well as to each other. Each gift was received with joy and thankfulness. It was really, really wonderful. I think Peter and I were both surprised at this unexpected gift, one that couldn’t be wrapped and placed under our scrawny, fake Christmas tree.

The boys awoke early Christmas Day and found goodies in their stockings. We were off to church by 9:00 and the children’s part of the program went just fine. Peter preached his first sermon at St. Andrews and I was thankful to have heard a reflective sermon on Christmas Day. We had a good afternoon, playing with the gifts the kids received and just relaxing. In the end, I was glad that we didn’t go anywhere or have anyone in. I learned that, while it is nice to celebrate with others, it isn’t necessary. Sometimes it is good to just be a family. That doesn’t mean that I will turn down invitations next year, or that I won’t invite others to join us. That is just how it worked out this year and it was good.

Sharing in the joy of giving: Brendan gave Jason a special matchbox car

Jason excited about the drawing he drew for Peter

Jason gave me a picture of the solar system which he drew

Brendan made a gift certificate for Peter's gift

Jason wearing his protective goggles while doing science experiments he got for Christmas

It was hard to be away from our families, the familiar teasing and laughing and smells and tastes. When it works out for us to be with either of our families, we enjoy it immensely. We were so thankful to be able to talk with those who had gathered at Mom and Dad Smith’s home for Christmas. We welcomed the chance to hear their voices. My parents also called and the boys could thank them for the gifts they sent and tell them all about Christmas. Adrian surprised us by calling Christmas Eve as well and it was fun to reminisce how we spent Christmas together last year.

And now we have made our quarterly trek to Lusaka and are enjoying being with the MCC Team once again. We will relax, see some movies in the theater, and do the grocery shopping for our team retreat at Lake Kariba next week. It feels good to get away already.